How to be a World-Class Detective, Courtesy of Inspector Clouseau

Watching Humphrey Bogart and Dick Powell, you realize that being a detective looks hard. You have to constantly smoke, you need to be able to brood but still crack jokes, you probably need to be able to throw a punch, and you have to be witty all the time. Sounds exhausting, no? Well, luckily, the movies have given us Inspector Jacques Clouseau, a man who knows how to make detecting look as easy as pie and as fun as eating said pie. Follow his lead and you're sure to be on your way to becoming one of the greatest detectives the free world has ever seen!

Do whatever you can to follow a lead.
Do you need to go to a nudist colony to check out what your suspect is up to? Take off everything and do it! Need to impersonate a dentist to infiltrate the villain's lair? Go for it! Nothing is too crazy if it means solving your case.

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Stay agile and alert.

Always working to keep his skills sharp, Clouseau has faithful Cato to pop out at him and make sure his combat technique is never lagging. Warning: you may do horrific damage to your home. But you shouldn't care because it's all in the name of survival.

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In addition to working on your agility, you can't go wrong with just a good old-fashioned workout. Your body will thank you, and pretty soon you can do this without breaking a sweat:

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Always have a disguise ready to go.
It would absurd of you to assume that you're not going to have to go undercover once in a while. Also, because of your cleverness, you're sure to make enemies that you need to hide from. With your disguises at the ready, you're sure to be okay. Here are a few suggestions:

Synchronize your watch!
It should go without saying, really. Also, be sure that your watch is actually working. That's kinda important to this step.

Be so good that your boss goes insane with jealousy.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus obviously couldn't handle the brilliancy of Clouseau. Instead of rejoicing in employing France's best detective, Dreyfus couldn't bear it. He may have said he wanted to kill Clouseau because the Frenchman was a bumbling fool, but we all know it was really because he hated knowing he would never be as talented as the detective.

Develop the ability to escape death without even noticing it.
This will be a great help to you consistently. How can you do your job if you have to keep worrying about all of your narrow brushes with the Grim Reaper? It's better to just be so hyperaware, you don't even realize how aware you are. 

Do all your sleuthing with the help of a Henry Mancini score.
This is a must. You can never consider yourself a great detective until you slink around hallways to the terrific, jazzy sounds of Mancini's music. Bonus points if you stumble into a performance by Fran Jeffries.

Have your "pistol pen" ready at all times.
What's a "pistol pen"? Not everybody is privy to this information, but this pen is what you use to hold the pistol that has been discharged in a crime without getting your own fingerprints on it. Your pistol pen is yours. If your partner needs to take the gun, make sure they get their own pen. Beware, though -- when pointing at someone, you may get ink all over them. Don't point it towards your mouth, either. Pistol pens are tricky business.

Get in a crazy car chase or two.
Pretty soon, this will just be a normal Tuesday for you. Or this.

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Keep a keen eye on things.

See how important this is?

Follow all of these and you just may get your own cartoon! Oh, and solve murders and stuff, I guess.

With love,

Michaela

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(Even Buster here is studying to be like Clouseau.) This is my second entry to the Things I Learned from the Movies Blogathon. That title says it all, doesn't it? You can read the other contributions here.