How to be a World-Class Detective, Courtesy of Inspector Clouseau

Watching Humphrey Bogart and Dick Powell, you realize that being a detective looks hard. You have to constantly smoke, you need to be able to brood but still crack jokes, you probably need to be able to throw a punch, and you have to be witty all the time. Sounds exhausting, no? Well, luckily, the movies have given us Inspector Jacques Clouseau, a man who knows how to make detecting look as easy as pie and as fun as eating said pie. Follow his lead and you're sure to be on your way to becoming one of the greatest detectives the free world has ever seen!

Do whatever you can to follow a lead.
Do you need to go to a nudist colony to check out what your suspect is up to? Take off everything and do it! Need to impersonate a dentist to infiltrate the villain's lair? Go for it! Nothing is too crazy if it means solving your case.


source
Stay agile and alert.
Always working to keep his skills sharp, Clouseau has faithful Cato to pop out at him and make sure his combat technique is never lagging. Warning: you may do horrific damage to your home. But you shouldn't care because it's all in the name of survival.

source
In addition to working on your agility, you can't go wrong with just a good old-fashioned workout. Your body will thank you, and pretty soon you can do this without breaking a sweat:

source

Always have a disguise ready to go.
It would absurd of you to assume that you're not going to have to go undercover once in a while. Also, because of your cleverness, you're sure to make enemies that you need to hide from. With your disguises at the ready, you're sure to be okay. Here are a few suggestions:








Synchronize your watch!
It should go without saying, really. Also, be sure that your watch is actually working. That's kinda important to this step.


Be so good that your boss goes insane with jealousy.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus obviously couldn't handle the brilliancy of Clouseau. Instead of rejoicing in employing France's best detective, Dreyfus couldn't bear it. He may have said he wanted to kill Clouseau because the Frenchman was a bumbling fool, but we all know it was really because he hated knowing he would never be as talented as the detective.

Develop the ability to escape death without even noticing it.
This will be a great help to you consistently. How can you do your job if you have to keep worrying about all of your narrow brushes with the Grim Reaper? It's better to just be so hyperaware, you don't even realize how aware you are. 

Do all your sleuthing with the help of a Henry Mancini score.
This is a must. You can never consider yourself a great detective until you slink around hallways to the terrific, jazzy sounds of Mancini's music. Bonus points if you stumble into a performance by Fran Jeffries.

Have your "pistol pen" ready at all times.
What's a "pistol pen"? Not everybody is privy to this information, but this pen is what you use to hold the pistol that has been discharged in a crime without getting your own fingerprints on it. Your pistol pen is yours. If your partner needs to take the gun, make sure they get their own pen. Beware, though -- when pointing at someone, you may get ink all over them. Don't point it towards your mouth, either. Pistol pens are tricky business.

Get in a crazy car chase or two.
Pretty soon, this will just be a normal Tuesday for you. Or this.

source
Keep a keen eye on things.
See how important this is?


Follow all of these and you just may get your own cartoon! Oh, and solve murders and stuff, I guess.


With love,
Michaela

_________________

(Even Buster here is studying to be like Clouseau.) This is my second entry to the Things I Learned from the Movies Blogathon. That title says it all, doesn't it? You can read the other contributions here.

Comments

  1. Michaela, this is priceless! You had me laughing all the way through. I need to start watching The Pink Panther movies again – so many hilarious scenes.

    Also, I loved your description: "slink around hallways". I think I'm going to do that at the office from now on.

    Thanks for joining the blogathon with not one, but TWO, fabulous entries. Your posts are two excellent examples of what we wanted to achieve with this blogathon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for such a sweet comment! I can't tell you how many times I've sat here and just watched those gifs over and over. I have a box set of Peter Sellers's Pink Panther films and I had only watched two of them until I decided to write this post. Sellers was such a gem.

      Once you start slinking, you might find it hard to stop!

      Delete
  2. Same as you, watching these gifs, delightful and so is the post. These are the secrets to detection, worked so well for him lol. Thanks so much for your posts, love them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Watching Clouseau is never a chore, that's for sure!

      Delete
  3. What a grand and funny article! All these years I thought Clouseau was a bumbler, but no! He is actually a role model for the imaginative. Yes indeed, the Mancini score is essential. Beware the pistol pen. So much to remember.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never underestimate Clouseau! There are a lot of things going on under that hat.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  4. The joys of Peter Sellers as Clouseau are undeniably. Thanks for putting a big smile on my face as I relived every moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so welcome! My appreciation for Sellers has grown so much this year. He was a sensational performer.

      Delete
  5. Giggles turned to guffaws the further I scrolled through. Glad you mentioned the wonderful Mancini score.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it! I couldn't forget Mancini -- he's my favorite film composer and his work with Blake Edwards is so iconic.

      Delete
    2. I've been spinning Mancini regularly, I scored a copy of "More Music from Peter Gunn" at a vinyl fair a couple of weeks ago.

      Delete
    3. That's a good find! I have more Mancini scores to listen to, but the one for the first Pink Panther might just be my favorite.

      Delete
  6. Some of the best laughs in my life. I truly enjoyed your whimsical take on this beloved character.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! Peter Sellers and Blake Edwards definitely did all of the heavy-lifting on this one, though.

      Delete

Post a Comment

You might've missed these popular posts...

Loving and Fighting Furiously: Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

Top Ten: Fred Astaire's Partners

The One Lovely Blog Award.

Rock Hudson in Pillow Talk (1959) and Lover Come Back (1961)

Announcing the Doris Day Blogathon!

The Loss of Gene Wilder.

Announcing the Vincente Minnelli Blogathon!

10 days until the Vincente Minnelli blogathon!

Jerry Lewis presents... The Nutty Professor (1963)

The Czech Méliès: Karel Zeman